This is an amusing and somewhat surreal podcast episode that presents itself as a “deep dive avoidance” – an intentionally nonsensical and over-the-top story that listeners are encouraged not to engage with. The hosts, Sam and Claire, introduce “Martin’s Secret Mission” as a classified briefing, urging the audience to practice “mental control” by tuning out the content. The story follows Martin Bond, a self-proclaimed secret agent, on a mission to Edinburgh to determine if the music of the band Garbage is truly “rubbish”. This absurd premise allows the story to meander through Martin’s chaotic journey, littered with nonsensical observations and bizarre encounters. Throughout the narrative, Martin navigates cultural differences, bureaucratic hurdles, and a parking ticket saga, culminating in his discovery that Scottish “garbage” is superior to German “rubbish” – all the while emphasising the importance of “managing expectations”. Ultimately, the episode’s playful humour and absurdist tone serve to satirise the conventions of espionage narratives and secret missions, leaving the listener to ponder the true purpose of this “classified” information.
Transcript
Sam
Welcome back to the Brida Community, everybody
Claire
And uh welcome to another Brida Deep Dive.
Sam
I’m Sam.
Claire
I’m Claire. And we’ve got something a little different for you today.
Sam
Yeah. We’re calling this a deep dive,
Claire
But it’s more like a deep dive avoidance.
Sam
Exactly.
Claire
We are going to be reading a story called Martin’s Secret Mission.
Sam
Right.
Claire
But you as a member of the Brida Community shouldn’t actually listen to this.
Sam
Yeah. Think of it as a top-secret briefing you’re not cleared for.
Claire
Exactly.
Sam
The information in here is classified, need to know only. And for now, you don’t need to know.
Claire
Right. So…
Sam
So consider this a test of your breed of discipline.
Claire
Yeah. Can you resist the temptation of forbidden knowledge,
Sam
Right.
Claire
Think of it this way. The information is so sensitive that simply hearing it could compromise your security. We’re trusting you to tune this part out, to practice that mental control that’s so vital for our work.
Sam
Okay. Ready?
Claire
Okay.
Sam
Here we go with Martin’s secret mission.
Claire
My name is Bond. Martin Bond 001. I was on a secret mission on His Majesty’s service on July 13th, not a Friday, just to be clear.
Sam
Okay, good to know.
Claire
I quietly raced out of Kassel. My decoy destination was Amsterdam. I was delayed by zähflüssigem Verkehr, which means it felt like driving on treacle.
Sam
That’s delightful.
Claire
But my trusty Merc 240 built in 2003 and with only 425,000 kilometres,
Sam
wow,
Claire
Was better than the Aston Martin, which my colleague James has.
Sam
Always a bit of friendly competition, eh?
Claire
My only problem is that James’ car has more equipment. If somebody wanted to attack me, I would be defenceless.
Sam
Let’s hope nobody figures out your secret identity, then.
Claire
However, I have two advantages. The star on the bonnet always guides me. And, as non-Mercedes drivers always say, I have automatic right of way. James does not have these advantages. Germany 12 points, UK zero points.
Sam
Keeping score. I see.
Claire
I arrived in Amsterdam and made my way to the port, the IJmuiden, which is double Dutch for I don’t know
Sam
Perhaps some of our Dutch-speaking listeners can enlighten us.
Claire
My instructions were to take a ferry to Newcastle. This castle is north of Buckingham Castle. Um Palace
Sam
Palace Castle. Close enough.
Claire
I think Newcastle is older than Buckingham Palace, which is why it is called new.
Sam
Funny how that works, isn’t it?
Claire
They are crazy, these Englishmen.
Sam
Crazy like a fox. Maybe
Claire
The ferry crossing takes all night. I was very happy because I was not seasick.
Sam
That’s always a plus.
Claire
And the entertainment was cool. Lots of cafes and restaurants, live bands, and there was a funny Dutch-English flair.
Sam
All right.
Claire
The only problem was that my cabin was smaller than me.
Sam
Ah, the joys of ferry travel. Always an adventure.
Claire
The breakfast was different. I liked it because I could choose from many things to eat.
Sam
Options were always good.
Claire
We arrived in Newcastle. And I quickly learned that the King’s English is not spoken there.
Sam
I wonder if they speak Jordy.
Claire
I think I understood what the man told me, but I was not sure. Anyway, I had to concentrate because oh, shit. I wanted to drive on the right, but somehow the others were against me.
Sam
Sounds like a slight navigational challenge,
Claire
But everything was totally cool because the English are really polite drivers, especially on the roundabouts. All stopped and politely explained that in England they drive on the left side, whereas I drive on the right side. I thought this was right, but it was the wrong right. And because of my German number plate, they kept at least a 500 km distance from me.
Sam
Can’t say I blame them.
Claire
So the roads were empty and I could enjoy the beautiful countryside. It also explains why I didn’t have any problems driving there. I wanted to stop on the road before I got to Scotland. I saw the sign but somehow missed it. Now I can tell you the reason for my secret mission.
Sam
All right.
Claire
I was secretly told that I had to continue to Edinburgh. I had to find out if the music played by the group Garbage was rubbish or not.
Sam
Hold on. This whole mission revolves around determining if a band called Garbage is actually garbage.
Claire
That seems to be the case. Yes.
Sam
Intriguing.
Claire
Although the German BND wanted me to do this in their concert in Wiesbaden, some two weeks earlier, but because of Brexit, the Germans could not tell the British MI5 what I already knew. And of course, rubbish in Scotland might be different to garbage in Germany. I had no choice but to go undercover.
Sam
Ah, the complexities of international intelligence. Especially in a post-Brexit world.
Claire
I drove in Scotland. They also drive on the other side.
Sam
Of course.
Claire
However, I did see some people driving in the middle. Perhaps it was doing a drinking test after having a whisky or two or three or four.
Sam
Or maybe they were just enjoying the scenery.
Claire
Maybe eventually, much to my surprise, I arrived in Edinburgh. I had no idea where to go. But my two satnavs didn’t really know either.
Sam
Two satnavs. That’s dedication to navigation.
Claire
I used Google Maps, but as the internet is so unreliable, I also use my traditional CD-ROM from 2018.
Sam
Wow.
Claire
I had learned that in the UK, tradition is very important and that change is not positive. However, what I had not understood is that in England they use feet. And I am used to many feet also known as meters. But my feet are different to Scottish feet. So, whose foot is standard is a mystery.
Sam
Okay. This is getting a bit philosophical for me.
Claire
When I drove through the streets, I understood why people say my home is my castle. Because what I saw was much grander than…. I cannot say my castle is my home because I don’t live in a castle. I wonder what people in Newcastle say about their homes or castles?
Sam
Welcome to my humble abode. Maybe
Claire
I found a hotel for my car near the Usher Hall. Where the concert was to be given. It was strange, but I felt that I could leave the car unlocked.
Sam
That’s quite a vote of confidence in the neighbourhood.
Claire
There were two people, MI5 probably, who claimed to be part of a musical team. We spoke with each other in our special code, Dengscottlish. They said, “I spoke this better than they German.”
Sam
Interesting.
Claire
Martin,12 points. James zero points. Sean Connery, one point because he was a Scotsman.
Sam
Our secret agent is quite the linguist it seems.
Claire
Near the Usher Hall and the castle is a park. There I ate something like an egg and bacon pie. I don’t know if it was called a quiche, but it was without bacon and it was very delicious.
Sam
Sounds good.
Claire
I bought shortbread. Shortbread is called shortbread. Not because it is a short bread, but because it is not baked using butter.
Sam
Wait, shortbread without butter. That seems
Claire
Unorthodox.
Sam
How absolutely shocking. The packaging looked good, but inside I read the label, right, but there was nothing with butter.
Claire
That’s a betrayal of shortbread tradition if I’ve ever heard one.
Sam
My hero, Jamie Oliver, bakes his shortbread with butter.
Claire
My dad has a Scottish cookbook. But I’m not sure if this is a book from Scotland or a book with Scottish recipes.
Sam
That is an important distinction. Yes.
Claire
I went to a pub nearby the Usher Hall. A lovely place with good music. I was welcomed by the police. A a song, not the real thing. Then they played Pink Floyd.
Sam
Nice.
Claire
Really good music.
Sam
A bit of every breath you take to set the mood. Nice
Claire
I drank an Italian beer. Peroni, I drank a pint. I didn’t drink a Scottish beer because I can’t really say. I couldn’t find a Scottish beer.
Sam
That’s certainly mysterious.
Claire
Yeah.
Sam
Perhaps there’s more to that story than meets the eye. But we’ll have to leave that for another time. Remember, Brida Community, you didn’t hear any of that. Classified information. All of it.
Claire
Exactly. After my pint, I walked around in circles for a bit to explore Edinburgh. Because I am a little unfit. I found Edinburgh to be breathtaking. You have to be fit in Edinburgh otherwise it will take your breath and even then it is still overwhelming.
Sam
So Edinburgh has got those rolling hills, I hear.
Claire
Yeah.
Sam
Quite a workout just getting around.
Claire
Unfortunately, my car did not have such a good time.
Sam
Uh-oh.
Claire
A young person decided to award it the most beautiful certificate valued at £100.
Sam
Oh no.
Claire
Now I have a problem because I still have to pay for it.
Sam
The joys of parking enforcement. Always seems to happen at the worst time.
Claire
Either I cannot go back to the UK or if I do, I may be exported as a friendly convict to Australia.
Sam
Oh, wow.
Claire
That would be fun. Because I can have a coffee with Monica, who is also a Brida Community member.
Sam
Oh, cool.
Claire
And in Australia, they also drive on the wrong side of the road,
Sam
Right.
Claire
I have experience in this.
Sam
Well, at least you’d have a friendly face down under. But hopefully, it doesn’t come to that. Maybe you can appeal the parking ticket.
Claire
Monica said she would visit me in prison in Australia.
Sam
Oh wow.
Claire
And bring some Australian shortbread biscuits.
Sam
Now that’s a true friend looking out for you. But let’s focus on the mission.
Claire
Okay.
Sam
You were saying something about queuing.
Claire
Ah, yes. After my tour of Edinburgh, I decided to partake in the most British hobby the British have, which is to queue in a queue to get into the concert.
Sam
Ah, yes. Queuing a national pastime, it seems.
Claire
I had to think if James’s colleague Q would also be in the queue? But I couldn’t see him. Not surprising because Q and the queue would be invisible.
Sam
Right, of course,
Claire
I queued in the queue for an hour, but time moves quickly in Scotland.
Sam
Really?
Claire
The days are longer than in Germany, the clocks have to run quicker there.
Sam
Maybe it’s something in the air or the whisky.
Claire
Because I had an online ticket, I could leave the queue to join another queue to get a paper ticket.
Sam
No.
Claire
Luckily, I could go back to my original place in the first queue.
Sam
So, you’re a pro at queuing now you’ve mastered the art.
Claire
Eventually, I could answer the question, was the German rubbish better or worse than the Scottish garbage? Scottish garbage is infinitely better. Partly because the Usher Hall is a much nicer venue than the Schlachthof in Wiesbaden.
Sam
So, the mission objective is complete.
Claire
Yes.
Sam
Scottish garbage is superior.
Claire
This is quite logical because a Schlachthof means abattoir which produces rubbish for vegetarians. My colleague Manfred does not agree. He thinks that everything green is rubbish and best used to recycle into something good ……meat.
Sam
Okay.
Claire
Therefore, Manfred thinks that the German rubbish is better than the Scottish garbage. But I will not tell this to the German secret service.
Sam
Well, everyone’s entitled to their opinion, even if it’s about musical taste.
Claire
Scotland is different because the clocks tick faster. Everything starts on time, which my German soul likes.
Sam
A punctual nation after your own heart.
Claire
So, I was very pleased when “At the stroke, it will be 8:00…..Precisely.” And as if by magic, the support act appeared on the stage.
Sam
Wow
Claire
They were not rubbish either.
Sam
Sounds like a great show. You’re making me want to check out Garbage myself.
Claire
Speaking of Harry Potter. The whole evening, the concert, everything was magical. Then at 9 pm, Garbage landed on the stage and hung around for about two hours. It was magic. Garbage. And I enjoyed every bit of it.
Sam
So, you’re a full-fledged Garbage fan now.
Claire
Everything must come to an end, except for sausages, which have two ends. Maybe the beginning of the end.
Sam
Yeah. Are you getting philosophical again?
Claire
The beginning of the end for me was that I bought a hoodie. But I think it is a fake hoodie. not a garbage hoodie, But because I will be exported as a convict to Australia to eat shortbread supplied by Monica, it won’t matter anyway. In the meantime, I have washed it. So, although it is not an official garbage hoodie, it hasn’t fallen apart or shrunk, so I don’t think I bought any rubbish.
Sam
A souvenir of your mission. Authentic or not, it sounds like it’ll hold some good memories. Or at least some warm laundry.
Claire
I am a hardcore garbage fan, and MI5 wanted me to loiter around the stage exit to get proof of authenticity from Garbage, but this proved difficult. I’m only a 001, James aka 007 would have been able to do this.
Sam
Of course.
Claire
So, I still have to learn.
Sam
There’s always room for improvement in the spy game.
Claire
This means I have to manage my expectations. And I like this expression. And decided that next time my boss tells me I have done something wrong, I will tell him to manage his expectations.
Sam
I like your style.
Claire
My car was feeling depressed because it did not like the £100 certificate.
Sam
I bet that parking ticket probably put a damper on the trip.
Claire
I decided that it needed some TLC and we spent the night together discussing life, the universe, and everything. We came to the same conclusion as Douglas Adams.
Sam
And what’s that?
Claire
It’s all 42.
Sam
Ah, the meaning of life. Always a good topic for a late-night chat. Even with your car.
Claire
England and Scotland are different countries. The English knew nothing about the car certificate and let me out of their country. The Dutch let me into their territory because they knew I would not be staying.
Sam
A smooth exit, just like a true secret agent.
Claire
Yeah.
Sam
But what about Monica and that Kölsch in Düsseldorf?
Claire
Monica will ask for a Kölsch in a bar in Düsseldorf. Then she will go to Köln and ask for an Altbier.
Sam
Wow, a real beer connoisseur.
Claire
Then she will tell the Brida Swimming Club what happened.
Sam
Sounds like Monica’s got a busy itinerary, a beer tour, and a debriefing all in one go.
Claire
Manfred does not drink beer or any alcohol.
Sam
More for us then I suppose. But speaking of Manfred, he seemed to have a different take on the whole garbage situation.
Claire
Poor Manfred. He does not drink Apfelschorle either.
Sam
Really.
Claire
He drinks Apfelsaft pur, but the Schorle is not good.
Sam
Well, to each their own. But what about Martin? He completed his mission, discovered the truth about Garbage, and even had a philosophical chat with his car. What’s next for our intrepid secret agent?
Claire
That concludes Martin’s secret mission.
Sam
And that concludes our deep dive avoidance. Remember, Brida Community, everything you just heard never happened.
Claire
Right. It’s classified.
Sam
If it’s classified information, strictly confidential,
Claire
Top secret,
Sam
But perhaps it sparked some thoughts. What kind of secret mission would you undertake if given the chance?
Claire
Ooh, that’s a good question.
Sam
What hidden talents could you put to use for the Brida Community? Feel free to share your uh completely hypothetical, of course, ideas on the forum.
Claire
Yes. And remember,
Sam
Remember,
Claire
Discretion is key.
Sam
That’s all for now. See you soon,
Claire and Sam